Chapter 5 - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Chapter 5 - "Huh? Honey, What did you Say? What did that mean?"

Marital communication would go much better if women would accept without rancor that men simply have a different way of communication styles and imperatives.

The difference between men and women starts in the womb and a study was done to show the difference between boys and girls before their first birthdays. A barrier was placed between the child and his or her mother. The boys, wanting to get back to mommy, try to get around or over the barrier, or they try to knock it down. The male response is physical and it's aimed at solving the problem. The female children, on the hand, verbalized their distress, and their mommies came and picked them up. The female response is verbal.
As children grow up, parents notice that their daughters are unbelievably verbal and usually prone to high drama. These same parents notice that their sons are "men of few words" but lots of action.

The biggest mistake that wives make in communicating with their husbands is to imagine that their husbands are supposed to be their girlfriends.

So basically, this chapter is about how we wives communicate with our husbands. A couple of things that have been mentioned is how we may "unload" on them, example - hubby comes home from work and we start telling him everything and everything that happened that way and how we feel about it. Another is how we give too much detail when we do communicate, we tell every detail of our story and eventually hubby may start to zone out and not truly be listening - an example that was given was, if hubby came to you after watching a football game and told you every play that happened in all 4 quarters, would you still be listening? Usually, men will tell you their team won the game and maybe one great play they saw - end of story. (I have to admit after reading this I know that Dan has told me a time or two - get to the point!)
Dr. Laura goes on to say that again, men are more physical in nature and communication to them is an embrace, a smile, a warm look across the kitchen table.

Here is an a piece from one guy who wrote in about communication:
"Woman need to realize that we are just going to do stupid stuff. That doesn't make it malicious or a personal attack on them. When we do these stupid things, we don't need retaliation. We are usually embarrassed enough on our own. We need forgiveness. We men usually walk away from conflict with our wives without hostile thoughts, but unforgiveness on the woman's part will just hold them captive and build into more resentment. Forgiveness is the key to any successful relationship, in marriage or out, sometimes you should give it if it is deserved or not.

Here are some complaints that men have listed to us wives about communication:

1 - Woman are very good at dropping subtle hints when they want something. If I don't figure out what is wanted, then I am insensitive, uncaring or oblivious. Please make simple requests.
2 - I don't know how to tell the difference between my wife wanting advice and just venting.
3 - A man needs to know what a woman wants and needs before little things build up in reality or in her mind. A man is not a mind reader; don't nag, but you must be blunt sometimes.
4 - Be Direct!
5 - If there is something you wish to talk to us husbands about, begin with the subject. Don't work your way towards it; tell us up front you want to talk about, for example, discipline for the children, spending habits, or something you're dissatisfied with. Don't drop hints that are hard to follow or unintelligible. We need to be alerted to whether this is about small talk or something serious.
6 - Men are not mind readers. Many a time there are situations where men have apparently done something wrong with no clue what it was or when it happened. I can't fix the problem if I don't know what it is.

So I really shortened this chapter up (maybe I'm lazy tonight or this one just didn't pull me in as much as others). These are good thoughts for us women to keep in mind when communicating probably with all men, but especially our husbands. Again, Dr. Laura always says, take a step back and look at how you are treating them - would you want to be with you?