Chapter 4 - The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

Men Have Feelings? Really? You're Kidding!

The obvious issue here is that men are generally not all the forthcoming about their feelings, at least not in the way we wives are. Men are not like women who talk and discuss and describe feelings and happenings. Men are more likely to talk about a challenge they have faced, or will have to face. Per Dr. Laura numerous affairs start because us women/wives do not realize that our men have feelings and a majority of men she has asked about why they had an affair stated "It's about the how she made me feel about myself."
One story is about a woman who was sitting and with her best friend, chatting. Within the conversation that she had with her friend she wanted to ask her a question, but first said she hoped she wasn't offending her or hurting her feelings before she asked her a question she wanted to ask. Her friend said, "Nothing you do will ever offend or bothers me. But my husband regularly bothers and offends me. (Reading that puts things into perspective for me, again I have stated in the past, why would we treat our friends better than our husbands?)
Per Dr. Laura, if wives can't easily slip our of their self-centered mode, "It's all about me feelings", perhaps they can at least try to consider that the perspective presented here could give them more of what they want - The main source of husband's bad attitudes, negative responses, and disappointing behaviors is their wives' attitude toward them and their feelings. Plain and simple.
Here are a couple of examples that Dr. Laura gives on playing on feelings for one couple:
1. When a wife wants to go do something wither her friends, she says he should trust her and allow her that freedom. When he feels that he needs some alone or buddy time, she says that he doesn't love her or want to spend time with her - even when she's invited. It's all about her feelings - not his.
2. When she spends money, it's okay because it's something she "needed", and she should have the freedom to spend money when she wants to buy something. When he wants to spend money, she calls him irresponsible. It's all about her feelings - not his.
3. They see her family about twice a week. When he wants to see his family, she complains that he's not being sensitive to her feelings about her family. It's all about her feelings - not his.
(In my family I think this may apply to all the in-laws, man or woman, on the Dickhaus side, we are a tight clan that doesn't want to be separated, ever, I can hear it now -What? What other family - oh yours, that's right.)
4. "Basically", the husband writes, "it's her priorities that matter. She'll have the whole weekend planned, while I'd love to have some downtime together. She'll say that I'm not supporting her. "It's all about her feelings - not his."

One husband wrote this in" Despite our rugged outward appearance, most men tend to have delicate psyches. I know four very happily married men. In each case their wives make a point of stroking their egos and making them feel that they approve of them. Consequently, these men practically worship their wives.

Dr. Laura believes that women in general have been taught to disdain the "male ego", ascribing to it a sense of phoniness, immaturity, and weakness. Ladies, what makes the male ego issue any different from our "body ego" issue? Our husbands have to tell us our bodies are perfect and that these pants don't make us look fat because (a) we don't want to hear the truth, (b) we can't handle the truth, and/or (c) if they tell us the truth, then we're hurt, they're mean and insensitive,and the relationship is shot down in mid-flight. We, as women want to know that we are lovely and desirable because of our shapes. They, as men, want to know that they are desirable by us because of their prowess in providing for their families, satisfying their women sexually, and having the strength and leadership to confront challenges and protect their family and values. They need that and they need that from us. A wife can tear down a husband's necessary sense of strength or importance more easily with a look or a comment than can torture in a prison camp. Their wives approval is as important as oxygen; surviving their wives lack of approval is emasculation.

Here are a couple things that Dr. Laura states every man needs from his wife and in summary watch the words and looks and thoughts coming from your mind and mouth because they go deeper than us woman actually think, and I believe that men hold onto the nasty things we may call them longer than we do.
* What every man wants is for his woman to make him feel that he is strong and the head of the household.
* A man wants respect, kindness, and love from his woman.
* A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through her life.
* A man needs enthusiastic approval, appreciation, and respect from his wife for being a competent man, husband, and father.
* A man needs his wife to show some interest in his interests, especially when it's an activity she may not "get" or like. Just being there is important.
* A man needs his wife to greet him after work with love and enthusiasm.
* A man needs to know that his wife is sexually satisfied by him.
* A man needs his wife's encouragement in order to be a man.

There is a lot more stories and comments to this chapter, but I think these things summarize what us women can do to a man's ego/feelings and listed are things that we should be saying or doing instead. Good Luck !

Chapter 3 - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

"You're A Nag"

Obviously from the title of this chapter you can see where this is going. I have a hunch that quite a fee of us women fall into the pit.

According to Dr. Laura the #1 complaint of men was that their wives criticize, complain, nag, rarely compliment or express appreciation, are difficult to satisfy, and basically are not as nice to them as they'd be to a stranger ringing their doorbell at 3am.

(I know that I fallen into this category from time to time and have actually thought about this before reading this book, why am I nicer to a friend than my husband at times? Why is he nicer to his friends than me? My opinion is that men / husbands fall into this particular piece as well as us woman, but I'm sure Dr. Laura's comment would be it's because I treat him this way).

Dr. Laura goes on to discuss that we are making an unhappy home for our husbands and are dwindling their egos and those husbands who don't have happy homes may turn to other ventures whether it's alcohol, drugs, or someone who will make them feel worthwhile. One husband writes about how at work he gets evaluated and always comes out with excellent performance, but feels at home he can't do anything right?!

This chapter goes on to different pieces of different marriages and scenarios at home, some examples of us woman behaving badly:

Man comes home and we start complaining about the kids, the house, this and that and do not offer a hug/kiss, how was your day dear, just straight to complaining about the day "can you believe this happened and so and so did this;

When a man tries to help do something around the house (this I assume applies to us wives who usually "do it all") If you do the dishes, can't you do all the dishes, what did you put that there for, I can't believe you did it that way now I have more work to do fixing it than getting help from you, these last comments will eventually lead the husband to do nothing in which return we yell "You never do anything around here!"

Here are 2 scenarios that Dr. Laura wrote and we are to decide which will get the desired result, also I believe we are supposed to figure out which one we fall into as a wife.

The garbage needs to be taken out.

Scenario 1: Yell at him every five minutes to remind him that the garbage has to be taken out. Then berate him for not having done it yet in spite of your reminders and in spite of whatever else he may be doing. Then start escalating things by bringing up everything else he's done to annoy you in the past decade. Then, once he's finally taken the garbage out, tell him, "it's about time"! Then storm off to your room, pout and turn your back in bed.

Scenario 2: Let him know you've wrapped up the trash and that it's sitting by the back door, and ask him if, when he has time, he would please dump it in the trash bin. Don't bring it up again (why bother, because the trash man isn't coming till morning anyway?) Catch him just as he's coming back from tossing the bag in the can. Give him a big kiss and tell him that it was a big help because it's hard for you to hold the can lid with one arm and pitch a very heavy bag with the other hand.

Okay ladies, I have tried this second scenario after reading this chapter, minus the I'm not strong enough crap, and my husband looked at me like I was crazy for thanking him for taking out the garbage after he did it, guys care to comment on this one? It did however save grace from a fight about things that need to get done, so my suggestion would be to mend this to your own however you need to to keep the piece.

The rest of this chapter talks about how men like to be "Our Hero's" and be rewarded for their good deeds. Our job as wives is to let no good dead go unappreciated. It also discusses that we do not build our men's ego's enough, again we criticize and complain and do not tell them the goods and the reasons that we love them. Dr. Laura also discusses how we try to micromanage and if we do this our husbands will eventually give up trying to please us. We need to learn how to speak and be more positive and our marriage will be more joyous all around.

Chapter 2 - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Chapter 2 in this book is discussing about the reason to have our husbands be our #1 priority in life. This chapter also discusses the syndrome of the "do-it-all" moms out there and where it leads us too (I think there may be a lot of us out there that fall into this category).

Dr. Laura states that this lifestyle of the "do-it-all" moms has led to weight gain, low sex drive, moodiness, and fatigue-all due to stress caused by trying to do too much, not being able to keep up with it, not feeling very accomplished at any of it, resenting anyone who has any expectations and ending up feeling hostile and depressed.
(I believe a lot of people probably feel at least one, if not two of these things, sorry, but we just can't do it all and feel happy all the time).
Dr. Laura also states that many of us wives that do work and have children have what she calls the Hurried Woman Syndrome, the HWS do not treat everyone well, especially their children and husbands because they are tired all the time and stressed out by the requirements of a job and we tend to make everyone else pay the price because we just have nothing else to give. (Thinking to different scenarios after a stressful day at work I may have fallen into this pit a time or two, for those of you who know me, maybe more).

Okay ladies (and men) here is where Dr. Laura states that it is our duty as woman to give it up to the man.
Husband Caller: I am saying for a good, healthy relationship, there is nothing wrong with us making love at least 3 times a week. She thinks once or twice every two or three weeks is a healthy relationship. I said we should call Dr. Laura because she knows what is healthy and what isn't.
Dr. Laura: Is that a reasonable rendition of the issue?
Wife: Yes, that is pretty close.
Dr. Laura: Did you ever have sex more than you do now?
Wife: Well, it isn't that I don't like it. When husband and I were first married, it was a lot.
Dr. Laura: So, what has it gotten boring?
Wife: Maybe a little boring. But, more important, I am tired a lot.
Dr. Laura: That is not a fair excuse. It is your obligation to keep yourself healthy and fit so that you can be involved with your husband. You can't do the "I am tired" bit every day and have your husband just accept that this important, intimate part of his life is simply going to be controlled by your whim. It is your obligation to not be tired all the time. What if he said "I'm too tired and I'm not going to work anymore?"
Dr. Laura goes on to discuss what wife has done to spice up the love life and of course us being woman ask "why is it up to us", of course Dr. Laura doesn't accept that answer and says it is up to us ladies to do what we need to do to keep the love life alive and not be so damn tired. (my thoughts on this have always been, well if I wasn't picking up everything in the house and doing all the cleaning, cooking and laundry then maybe I wouldn't be so damn tired! That is an unacceptable answer according to Dr. Laura, sooo then I say if you came to bed when I did, maybe something would happen!)

Per Dr. Laura if you decide that the most important thing about your life is your worker-ant role, you'll likely feel drained a lot of the time and resent your obligation you have to your husband and children. You are not loved, adored, and intimately needed at work. You are a goddess to your children and a queen to your husband. So, aside from the paycheck what is more nourishing and rewarding? (Now these statements make sense to me, sometimes you must get right down to the nitty gritty to get through).

The other piece of this chapter goes on about woman who have children and that is their #1 priority and since having children they have devoted all of their time and energy to them and only them. I won't go into detail on this subject because I believe in having my own life as a person, mother, and a wife and each needs equal time, a good friend of mine taught me this after she had a child and when I was pregnant. One thing a caller did call in to state was "You had a husband before you had children-don't forget it! Good advice if you wanted my opinion.

That basically sums up chapter 2 in nutshell. Enjoy!

The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

So Katelynn is a little over a year old and I figured it was probably time to put my marriage up top on the priority list again. After having a baby their needs come first and foremost and they trump everybody (including yourself - this has been another hard lesson to learn, but that's for another post). I was browsing through some books at Walmart and came across this book "The Proper Care and Fedding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger - in brief it talked about how all woman want to be in love, get married, and lived happily ever after - I thought, wow, I really agree with that, maybe this will give me what I've been looking for and can make my life wonderful, so I spent the $11.84 (the walmart discount price!) and bought the book and took it home with me. For those who don't know Dr. Laura is a writer and also has a radio show that people can call into and she gives advice.
So interesting as this book has been (I haven't finished it all yet) I thought I would post a chapter a week on a brief summary of what Dr. Laura feels us women should be doing in our relationships/marriages and would love if people left comments on their thoughts. I have to say that while a lot of this makes sense there is still something that pulls me in a different thought pattern than she wants or says that we need to be as women. I hope that anyone reading these will have fun with it as well and view it at least as something interesting to think about.
Chapter 1 - The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Edgar wrote to Dr. Laura:
"I laughed when I heard the title of your new book. I thought, It won't happen. What woman would buy it? Who cares about us men? There are a few good things that men want so badly they would do anything for it. I think a good number of men want respect more than love. They like to feel they have some power. I nearly cry when you tell a woman caller to respect her husband. There is so much selfishness in the world. Prosperity has allowed women to be so independent, and thus so selfish. I always feel as though I come last - my feelings come last, my needs come last."

Basically in the beginning of this chapter Dr. Laura is talking about woman and the double-standards that they give to men -

Example: When women expect their men to "understand" when they're not interested in sex, but when the men don't or can't perform - watch out!.

She states that this double-standard mentality is caused by self-centeredness. She believes this is a result of the "women's movement". She states that men are simple creatures and if you change certain aspects of your interactions, like magic you will see them change too. (Assume with the women's movement that there is a lot more man bashing and women clompaining about men together). She asks that woman behave "as if" things were lovely in the relationship: a call of affection during the day, a kiss at the door, a nice outfit when at home, a request for his opinion about something to do with the family, a comment of appreciation for something well done, a good meal, some alone time after work, and a cuddle (or more) at bedtime.
(Okay upon reading this list I know I was thinking "what the hell happened to my day, my alone time and my hug and why the heck do I have to make the meal and dang that's a hell of a list along with taking care of the children).

So one guy wrote in and said "whatever happened to my sweetness? If you act like a Bitch you will be treated like a bitch. He asked his wife once if she wanted something, as she was being unusually nice. She angrily said to him "I would never be nice to anyone to get them to do something for me" So, what was the alternative? Treat them like Shit? A man takes care of his woman and a woman should take care of her man, what a concept.

(Okay, so I have to say that I see where this guy in particular is coming from, and it makes sense).
She feels that the woman's movement has tought us woman: that society and men will oppress; they are the enemy; do not submit; terminate or dominate. She states again that men are simple creatures who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman, it makes them vulnerable to their woman's moods, desires, tantrums, criticisms, dissappointments, dissatisfactions, angers, and rejections.
So that is the jist of chapter one: Men are simple creatures and if woman take care of their man they will be happier and have a better marriage.
Please feel free to leave comments on your thoughts or trials of this.

So, I thought after reading this chapter, okay, I think I could probably take on a couple of things on the list to start off with and see what happens.

So there is chapter one of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Chapter 2 next week!